Welcome to Mike Donovan's hororscope page. Remember, the best advice is to never follow any advice unless you agree with it.
AIRES -The St. Louis Ram - March 22 to April 20 - A good week to blame a loss on your mistakes, rather than give some credit to the competition for beating you fair and square. You are the type of person who likes to try adventurous things. A lot of people don't like you. This is a good week to go vacationing on Baffin Island.
TAURUS - The Mediocre Car - April 21 to May 21 - No one understands you, but you don't either, and neither do the stars. You will be aimless and confused forever. You are going to meet a tall dark stranger ... in a prison cell.
GEMINI - The Minnesota Twins - May 22 to June 21 - This week you should shave your head. Otherwise things might go bad with your career. You are the kind of person who likes to get yelled at.
CANCER - The Charity Road Race - June 22 to July 23 - You scare everyone when you even mention your sign to them. Stop acting so crabby. Its starting to hurt your friendships.
LEO - The Lip - July 24 to August 23 - A good week to stop breaking down in tears for no reason in public. You're getting more deranged with each passing year. Remember, everyone is out to get you. You like to go for walks along the beach ... during a hurricane.
VIRGO - The Catholic - August 24 to September 23 - This week you should try and discover the real you. Buy an atlas and get moving on that. A great time to invest. Put all you money on the Reds to win the World Series.
LIBRA - The Liberal - September 24 to October 23 - A good week to start fresh. Call everyone you know and tell them you don't ever want to talk to them again. Change, your job, your religion and your wig. Then go jump off a roof. It's a good week to do that.
SCORPIO - The co-star of the original Dirty Harry - October 24 to November 22 - You can dish out some stinging criticism. But your bite is worse than your bark. This week is a good one for b&e's. Try Sunday afternoon, when they're out on a local errand and least expect it. And they always leave the key under the doormat. Just some advice from the stars, chum.
SAGITTARIUS - The Old Bag - November 23 to December 21 - Why are you the way you are? Why? Just give it up.
CAPRICORN, AQUARIUS, AND PISCES HAVE BEEN CANCELLED.